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Friday, March 18, 2005

Here's another example of Gwen Stefani's brilliance. Particularly her talent for compelling lyrics.

Trust me...It doesn't make much more sense in the context of the whole song.



Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I know it's been a while. I know I just got back from a week in San Francisco. But I want to talk about bathrooms.

For the normal American man, the public toilet is one of the last remnants of uncivilized society. The brilliant light of modernity has yet to illuminate these dank and dangerous corridors.

I am constantly surprised at what men feel is an appropriate in terms of what they leave behind when they exit these chambers. Seriously. What did I do to deserve a bowl full of shit? How is it fair to leave behind a seat splattered with piss and/or blood?

You know people sit on that thing right?

I know I am not the only one troubled by this because there are institutions who seek to elevate the men's room from the pig stys they usually are to something that fits better in the 21st century. They do this through robots.

Specifically through motion sensor equipment that's supposed to automatically thrust a sense of decency on you and force you to flush the god dammed toilet. You would think that I would be a fan of such equipment.

I am not.

Step one: Auto Flush.

For urinals this is generally a good idea. The sensors seem to work pretty well. For bowls...They suck. I constantly walk into stalls and see an auto-bowl that is mysteriously full of crap. So unless you can actually find the well-hidden manual flush, you end up dancing around the stall tryin to engage the auto-flush...Which seems to take forever.

Finally the waste is whisked away and it's your turn to do your business. All of a sudden the flushing mechanism becomes extremely sensitive. I find that, unless I maintain a perfectly rigged posture, the toilet will auto-flush two or three times while I'm sitting there. This means that if I'm actually "mid-transaction" my ass is getting sprayed with my own waste. It's not really how I like to spend my afternoons.

Step two: Auto sinks.

These don't work. The activation zone for these faucets are so small you usually can't rub soap on your hands while the water is running. The rubbing motion invariably puts you outside the zone. After an unreasonably long amount of time you finally make it to...

Step tree: Auto paper dispensers.

The Auto hand-dryer actually seems to work pretty good for me. But those fucking paper dispensers -- If you don't sit there and wave your hands like your dancing the Macarena you'll never escape the restroom without soggy hands. Which is fine if your heading to a pool party but not that pleasant to go back to the dinner table with.


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