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Monday, May 09, 2005
 
Another Day Closer To Death

Today is my eleventyfirst birthday. Well actually it's my thirtieth birthday.

The prospect of turning thirty has been haunting me for a few years now. Not really an everyday sort of haunting, and not an "Ametyville" or "exorcist" sort of haunting. More of a "Ghostbusters" sort.

Over the weekend a friend of mine asked me how I felt about "the turning", specifically he wanted to know if the shape of my life (at this point) had turned out to be similar to my expectations. Have I accomplished whatever goals I had set for myself earlier in life?

It's hard to say. When I was in Elementary school I expected to be driving a ferrari at this point in my life. It's safe to say that I wasn't all too sure about what that would take, I just new it was a cool car and seemed like the right thing to shoot for.

When I was in High School I knew enough about myself to know that I had now idea about what I wanted. I was pretty sure I didn't want any sort of responsibilities...Ever. I may have had romantic notions of being some sort of vagabond -- Living a bohemian lifestyle across the cities of the world (despite the fact that I didn't appear to have the patience to learn any new languages). Also I thought I might want to draw for comic books.

In college I started to realize that I wasn't a good fit for comic books. If you had asked me to look forward to my thirties I think all I would have expected for myself was to be married. I didn't have any idea what my job prospects would hold. As a freshman, a friend of mine seemed to think we could transfer to Berkeley and start a punk band there. Eventually we'd sign to a major label and sell out for gobs of cash. For us it was this "selling out" stage that was critical but we sorta overlooked the more important "starting a band" part and so that never happened.

As I hit my mid-twenties I was starting really put that ferrari dream to bed, but had a better idea of where I thought I could find happiness and success as far as a career. Somehow I managed to hit pretty close to the mark in that respect.

In terms of quality of life and overall fulfillment I would say that I am pretty happy about the person I have become at this stage at my life. While I still can't see myself as married...I would also say that this is the only part of my life that doesn't live up to expectations. I imagine that will change soon enough and I'd much rather enjoy where I am than pine for the future.

I am still moderately annoyed at the inevitabilities of aging. Part of me feels like I wasn't meant to grow older. That all those qualities of youth that I have enjoyed so far should never have to go away (and to some extent they don't have to), but I can't say what the rest of my life holds for me. So in the final analyses...I can't be depressed about something that's a total mystery. I can mourn for the good days I leave behind, but I suppose I should embrace the possibilities contained within the days to come.

-B

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