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Friday, July 22, 2005
It's Just yo Jive Talkin That Gets In The Way

It's true. Just as the Birdman described...I stormed out of a movie recently because the kid behind me was holding a symposium on the presence of snow in the arctic climate that certain flightless birds tend to inhabit.

"Look at all the SNOW!"

"There's snow there mommy."

were both important themes in her lecture, to be addressed time and time again. She was also heard to comment on the film itself. Her insightful criticisms were summed up in this one sublime statement, "This is a SILLY movie!".

So I left.

I can't recall if I've covered this here or not but at the risk of repeating myself:

The Reason little kids talk so much and so loudly in movie theaters

The first VHS VCR was introduced in 1977 -- two years after I was born. A good VCR in the late 70s could run you about 5 grand. So my family didn't bring one home till sometime in the mid-eighties I'm guessin. I don't remember the exact year but I DO remember the first movie my family rented to play on our new VCR...It was Rocky. I don't even remember really seeing the movie, but I was fascinated by the idea that you could watch a real movie, uncut and unedited, whenever you wanted, right in your home.

I was probably about 10 years old at the time, and had already seen a number of movies in the movie theater. Movies were special, and the movie theater was a unique place that had it's own set of rules. It just made sense. You could only see a movie once or twice, because you could really only see it in the movie theater. So when you went there...it was a sorta formal place. You could have fun or course. You could laugh and maybe whisper a quick comment to your buddy or to your mom. But there was something special and different about where you were and what was going on, your behavior needed to follow suit.

Of course now, children grow up with crisp, film quality DVD movies in their bedrooms...From day one. They can be upstairs watching Spy Kids, be called down for breakfast and continue watching it in their living room, and then hop in the car and finish up the movie on their way to school (in the back seat of their enormous SUVs).

All of these are places where it's totally appropriate to say whatever you want (as long as your not cursing...you don't get to do that for a few more years), pretty much as loud as you want. I really think these kids...being so used to having movies around them in their houses...just treat their local movie theaters like just another big room of their house.

Meanwhile their spineless fucking parents sit there and do what they've trained themselves to do over the last few years of their lives. They just tune their kids out.

I'm convinced that a parent hears their own child at a totally different volume than the rest of the people around them. It's probably necessary to their own survival.

*begin disclaimer*
I know that all of my close friends who have kids of their own will train them properly on theater etiquette and they'll all be perfect angels. *disclaimer end*

To the rest of you...shut that fucking kid up already.


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