The last time I sat down to write about LBB it began the same way -- with me sitting here staring at my computer monitor -- trying to work it all out. Last time I was trying to sort through emotional highs that came from being together in Brazil.
This time it's all about the lows. I had been looking forward to Becky's visit ever since I left her in Rio. I had been thinking a lot about her and trying to sort out what I really wanted and what was really possible. I had big plans about how I would share these thoughts. Well...you know what they say about plans, mice, and men.
I wasn't really under any delusions about my chances. I was pretty sure I would have trouble convincing this girl to make whatever we have work. At the same time -- I didn't really feel like I had a choice. It was a real struggle between my romantic side:
I should mention that I'm almost certain that my sense of passion and views on love, heartache, and longing, have been shaped in good part by Motown artists. There's also probably a number of (non-pornographic) movies that mix in there along with whatever I witnessed from my parents (ALSO non-pornographic) that complete the picture. But those old Motown songs really strike a chord with me. I'm not sure what it is that makes this particular music stand out.
On the one hand it feels a lil melodramatic...but at the same time I think it's more honest as a result. When we get caught up with someone I think most people have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. I'm sure I do. In public I like to think that I come off somewhat rational and even-headed but I know in my private moments I'm much more "Ain't to Proud to Beg". Another embarrassing admission: "Just my Imagination" (even in happy times) still makes me mist up sometimes. I can't get over how fucking sad that song is. Maybe it's the desperation that seems to run through all those songs that I really connect with -- that gut-wrenching sense of longing that comes from really giving into it all.
Anyway. After several weeks of anxiety and some botched attempts to actually spend some quality time with Becks during her short stay here in the States, I finally managed to lay it all out and tell her what I had been thinking about. Unfortunately I had to wait till she'd made it pretty clear that she wasn't really thinking along the same lines as me.
I know that in the past I had said that the idea of maintaining a relationship with her seemed pretty ludicrous. But after thinking about it more and talking to a number of friends I decided: to hell with it. I knew LBB was a special person and worth taking a risk over. Plus I was having trouble thinking about anyone else. I always knew that my chances of success were low but I was still bursting to to get it all out there and let her know what I was thinking (even if it was retarded).
So when I did finally put it all out there I was disappointed to get the response I was expecting (in different places, want to be free and single in Brazil) but at least it felt good to have said what I really felt. I certainly don't blame her for wanting to be unattached at the moment. At some point during all my thinking about this I asked myself how I would respond if the situation was reversed and I'm pretty sure I would have reacted the same way she did.
So that's that. Chapter pretty much over I guess. I'm still disappointed. But I'm not shocked. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I saved up a bunch of money to buy something special, but when I finally got the store that something was all sold out.
Finally when all is said and done, I consider the whole experience very positive. I'd make pretty much the same choices, even with the foreknowledge of what was eventually going to happen.
hmmm I probably should have actually used a Motown song as the title of this post...just goes to show you how complicated I am I guess.
Anyhow...now I can focus on my upcoming trip to Germany. It will be a great way to move on and drown my sorrows in beer and phallic meat products! Auf Wiedersehen!
